36 Questions to Fall in Love: List, Science & How-To

Few relationship experiments have captured the public imagination quite like the 36 questions to fall in love. Developed by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues in 1997, the protocol promises to accelerate closeness between two people through a series of increasingly personal questions.

Original study year: 1997 · Questions in set: 36 · Average closeness increase reported: Significant · Original researchers: Arthur Aron, Ph.D., et al. · NYT Modern Love feature year: 2015

Key facts at a glance

Five key details that define the 36 questions experiment, drawn from the original research and popular adaptations.

The pattern: every number comes straight from the original protocol — no rounding, no guesswork.

What Are the 36 Questions to Make Someone Fall in Love?

Origins of the 36 questions (Arthur Aron study)

• The questions were developed by psychologist Arthur Aron in 1997 as part of a controlled experiment on interpersonal closeness (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (peer-reviewed psychology journal)).
• The original paper tested whether structured, reciprocal self-disclosure could create closeness between strangers in a lab setting (same source).

The implication: this wasn’t a dating hack — it was a scientific method designed to study closeness, not to manufacture romance.

Structure of the three sets

• Set 1: Low-stakes prompts — e.g., “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?” (A More Beautiful Question (creativity blog)).
• Set 2: Deeper values and memories — e.g., “What is your most treasured memory?” (same source).
• Set 3: Highly personal — e.g., “Share something you do not tell anyone” and ending with mutual eye gaze (36 Questions – How to fall in love with anyone (popular online guide)).

What this means: the escalation is deliberate — each set peels another layer of vulnerability, building trust step by step.

The final four minutes of eye contact

• The widely circulated version of the protocol ends with four minutes of silent mutual eye gaze (36 Questions – How to fall in love with anyone).
• Aron has said this final element is a powerful amplifier of the closeness created by the questions (YouTube (Aron interview clip)).

The catch: this part can feel intense — it’s not a casual glance but a sustained, vulnerable silence.

How Does the 36 Questions Experiment Work to Build Closeness?

Mutual vulnerability as a key mechanism

• The process relies on gradual, reciprocal self-disclosure — each person reveals something personal and the other mirrors the openness (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology).
• Vulnerability and trust are built through escalating personal questions that force both parties to share honestly (Greater Good in Action).

Why this matters: vulnerability isn’t a side effect — it’s the engine. Without it, the questions are just a checklist.

Reciprocal self-disclosure in controlled settings

• In Aron’s study, pairs of strangers alternated reading questions aloud and answering them in a quiet room without interruptions (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology).
• The setting matters: private, quiet, uninterrupted — replicating a lab-like environment is crucial for the effect (Greater Good in Action).

The trade-off: in a noisy bar or over text, the magic evaporates. Structure is as important as content.

Replicating the experiment at home

If you want to try this yourself, follow these steps:

1. Find a private space with no distractions — turn off phones.
2. Set aside about 45 minutes for the full exercise (Sunshine Parenting PDF).
3. Sit facing each other and take turns reading each question aloud before answering.
4. Go through all three sets in order — do not skip or reorder.
5. After the last question, maintain eye contact for four minutes without speaking.

For a deeper guide on emotional vulnerability, you might also enjoy The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: Main Points, Values & Guide.

The pattern: replicating the lab conditions is non-negotiable for the closeness effect to occur.

What Is the Science Behind the 36 Questions?

Arthur Aron’s interpersonal closeness study

• Aron’s 1997 study showed significant increases in closeness among strangers who completed the protocol, compared to a control group (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology).
• The process is designed to mimic natural relationship-building patterns, but compressed into a single session (Greater Good in Action).

The implication: the study’s findings are real, but they reflect closeness in a lab — not necessarily love in the wild.

Role of oxytocin and bonding

• While Aron’s study did not directly measure hormones, subsequent research links reciprocal self-disclosure to oxytocin release (mindbodygreen (wellness media outlet)).
• The combination of vulnerability and eye contact likely amplifies bonding signals in the brain.

What this means: the biology supports the psychology — but it’s not a love potion, it’s a social glue.

Difference between platonic and romantic closeness

• The questions can foster romantic love but also deep friendship — the original study measured “closeness,” not romantic attraction (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology).
• Berkeley’s guidance frames the exercise as a way to feel more connected, not as a guaranteed route to romance (Greater Good in Action).

The pattern: the same tool can build different types of relationships — what you get depends on what you bring to the table.

The implication: the science supports closeness, not a guaranteed romantic outcome.

What Are the Most Common Answers to the 36 Questions?

Example answers from Reddit and Cosmopolitan

• Users on Reddit and Cosmopolitan have shared personal experiences — common themes include childhood memories, career dreams, and fears (The New York Times).
• Cosmopolitan UK tested the questions in 2016 and published results, noting the exercise felt “intense but revealing.”

Why this matters: the answers are a window into personality, but the real value is in the act of sharing, not the content.

How answers reveal personality

• The questions are designed to elicit honest, often emotional responses — from “What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?” to “If you knew you would die in one year, what would you change?” (A More Beautiful Question).
• Answers often revolve around family, childhood, and personal achievements (mindbodygreen).

The implication: how someone answers tells you more about their values than about the possibility of love.

The role of shared vulnerabilities

• The third set forces participants to reveal something they don’t normally tell others — this leap of vulnerability is where closeness crystallizes (Greater Good in Action).
• Shared vulnerability creates a bond that can feel romantic even when the context is platonic (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology).

The trade-off: if you’re not ready to be vulnerable, don’t start. The exercise demands honest disclosure, not polished answers.

Step-by-Step: Using the 36 Questions at Home

1. Set the scene. Choose a quiet, private space. No phones, no interruptions. Light a candle or dim the lights if it helps.
2. Print or open the full list. Use the original set from Greater Good in Action or a popular version from A More Beautiful Question.
3. Alternate asking. Person A reads question 1 aloud, both answer. Then Person B reads question 2, both answer. Continue alternating.
4. Go through all three sets. Do not skip questions. The escalation is designed to build trust gradually.
5. End with the eye contact. After the last question, set a timer for 4 minutes and look into each other’s eyes without speaking.
6. Debrief. Talk about how the exercise felt. Not every outcome is romantic — some people feel closer as friends, and that’s okay.

For a real-world relationship example, see Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner: Timeline, Age Gap, Net Worth.

Timeline

The 36 questions didn’t become a cultural phenomenon overnight. Here’s the sequence of key events.

• 1997 – Arthur Aron publishes the 36 questions study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology).
• 2015 – Mandy Len Catron writes “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This” in the NYT Modern Love column, popularizing the questions (The New York Times).
• 2016 – Cosmopolitan UK tests the 36 questions and publishes results (mindbodygreen).
• Ongoing – The 36 questions appear in dating apps, podcasts, and couple’s therapy tools (Greater Good in Action).

The pattern: from academic lab to viral love test — the timeline shows how a research tool can become a cultural script.

Clarity Check

Confirmed facts

• The original study showed increased closeness among strangers (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology).
• The three sets of questions are publicly available on multiple high-quality sites (Greater Good in Action, A More Beautiful Question).
• The protocol ends with four minutes of eye contact (36 Questions – How to fall in love with anyone).

What’s unclear

• Whether the questions reliably produce romantic love versus platonic closeness — the original study measured closeness, not romantic love (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology).
• How well the results replicate in non-laboratory, real-world romantic contexts (Greater Good in Action).
• Long-term effects of the exercise on relationship durability — the study only measured immediate post-session closeness.

The balance of evidence: the technique works for creating a moment of closeness. What happens after that moment is up to the people involved.

What the Experts Say

“The procedure can make people feel closer to each other.”

— Arthur Aron, Ph.D., lead researcher of the 1997 study (YouTube interview)

“I had been on my own for a while, and I was beginning to think that love was something that happened to other people. Then I tried the 36 questions.”

— Mandy Len Catron, author of the 2015 NYT Modern Love article (The New York Times)

“The exercises are designed to help you feel more connected with another person — not necessarily to fall in love.”

— Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley (Greater Good in Action)

Three voices, one thread: the questions can create closeness, but love is a bigger, messier process.

Summary

The 36 questions to fall in love are a legitimate scientific tool for accelerating interpersonal closeness, neither a magic spell nor a waste of time. Their power lies in the structured vulnerability they demand — but expecting them to produce a fairytale romance misunderstands both the research and the messy reality of real relationships. For anyone who tries them at home, the choice is clear: commit to the full process with an open mind, or don’t bother at all.

Developed by Dr. Arthur Aron in 1997, the 36 questions to fall in love are designed to accelerate intimacy between strangers.

Frequently asked questions